It's Never "Just" Verbal Abuse

I once asked a room full of convicted domestic violence offenders to give me some examples of verbal abuse they had used against their partners. As you can imagine, many of the responses aren’t suitable for printing, but some others stuck out at me.

“I told her she was a horrible mother.”

“When she got mad at me, I would tell her that I knew she’d never leave because no one else would ever want someone that ugly.”

“I used to always tell her she was crazy.”

To them, the words seemed less violent than cursing or physical altercations. But having also worked with survivors for many years, I know that the scars they leave are just as significant.

When I have these conversations and I hear the word “crazy,” I think of women who lived through gaslighting for so many years that they no longer feel sure of their own sanity. I think of the chronic self-doubt that plagues them to the point that they feel unable to make decisions or move forward with their lives. I envision the women who have internalized the message that they are “ugly” and “unwanted” for so long that they have given up all hope of ever having a genuine relationship. And the “horrible mothers” who have come into my office that have broken my heart with their profound love for their children, which has been shattered and belittled over and over again until they believe they’re failing every single day.

When I have these conversations, I know something that many of these batterers don’t – the words they’re using are every bit as powerful as their fists.

So often people come in feeling as though they shouldn’t be seeking help because the abuse was never physical. They tell me, almost apologetically, when asked that “it was just verbal abuse,” or “it was just emotional, he never hit me or anything.” And Batterers who come into Batterer Intervention programs are often quick to tell us that they don’t belong because they “never hit anybody.” But there’s no “just” in abusive behavior.

Non-physical forms of battering are every bit as serious as a physical one, and deserve equal attention and support. It can even be fatal, as survivors of these forms of abuse are at an increased risk of suicide and self-harm (not to mention the constant risk that the abuse might turn physical at any point). The use of gaslighting, insults, and threats against a partner are unacceptable and abusive, and survivors of mental, emotional, and verbal abuse have access to all the same supports and protections.

But helping victims is only one piece of the puzzle. True solutions don’t come until we address the batterers who use these abusive behaviors, and equip people to engage in non-violent relationships instead. This fall, Friend to Friend will be launching a new Batterer Intervention Program to address battering behaviors and introduce non-violent alternatives. We cannot force people to change their behaviors or “fix” a violent relationship, however, with themes like non-threatening behaviors, trust and support, and honesty and accountability we can offer batterers new perspectives and concepts to consider in their relationships, and empower them to make the choices that can break the cycles of violence and create change across generations.

-Caroline Reynolds