How are You Feeling? Self-Awareness & Self-Care

“How are you feeling?”

It’s a simple question we encounter quite often in life (even more in the age of Covid). But how often do we answer honestly? How often do we actually know the honest answer?

We might respond with a simple “fine,” or “not bad today,” or maybe even a “tired,” or “frustrated.” All of these are socially acceptable answers, but they provide little insight into what’s happening internally. But one thing I’ve found as a therapist is that we might give others little insight into what’s happening internally because we actually have very little insight into it ourselves. And when the things that are happening internally aren’t going so great, this can really be a problem.

Some of this may be due to a limited emotional vocabulary. Some of it may be because we lack a strong connection and awareness of their internal self. And sometimes it’s a defense mechanism, because avoiding discomfort often feels more comfortable that addressing it.

The problem with avoidance is that the thing we’re avoiding almost never goes away on its own. With clients, I love to use the metaphor of a filing system. Let’s say you get some information that maybe you don’t like or aren’t ready to deal with. It doesn’t have a home, you’re not sure what to do with it and you don’t want to find out, so you try to stash it away somewhere. Maybe you stick it in a random folder and try to hide it away, maybe you just put random pieces of it any place you can find a space, or maybe you try to stick it in a drawer someplace hidden. And, for awhile, that works. You can rely on the classic “out of sight, out of mind” approach for a bit – until you run into it again. Because eventually you need to look in that space. Eventually something reminds you of that information. Eventually, that file folder shows right back up in front of you. This is where the work of therapy and processing usually comes in – a therapist can help you make sense of that information and figure out how to fit it into your mental filing cabinets in a way that works. But the first step in that process is that you have to acknowledge that it’s there.

In the same way, when we’re experiencing discomfort or distress within ourselves, our first instinct can be to ignore it. Sometimes we do it because we hope it will just go away, sometimes we’re afraid to confront it because it seems really scary or overwhelming, and sometimes we just feel like we don’t have the time or energy to manage it. However, generally the opposite is true – confronting it is the key to moving past is, when we avoid it we make it bigger and scarier than it actually is, and we actually expend less energy and time in dealing with it than we would in suffering the effects of it.

And, thankfully, this confrontation doesn’t necessarily have to be huge or frightening. The best starting place is simply to try to notice what’s happening within ourselves.

Bessel A. van der Kolk is a renowned trauma expert, and he noted in his book The Body Keeps the Score: “As I often tell my students, the two most important phrases in therapy, as in yoga, are “Notice that” and “What happens next?” Once you start approaching your body with curiosity rather than with fear, everything shifts.” 

What does this look like? Exactly that – curiosity.

The next time you find yourself feeling stressed or anxious, particularly if you’re the sort of person prone to panic attacks or other physical anxiety symptoms, try to pause and observe what’s happening inside. Find a comfortable and safe place to sit or lay down for a few moments, and (if it’s comfortable) close your eyes to limit outside distractions. Take a few moments to notice your breathing – you don’t have to change it or do anything differently, you simply notice how it’s happening and how it feels. Then shift your attention to wherever you’re feeling discomfort. Perhaps this is a racing heart, or sweaty palms, or a tight chest, or queasy stomach. And, without judging or analyzing or telling yourself what to do, just notice what you’re feeling. Where is that tension coming from? What does it feel like? Does it change with your breathing? Is it constant or varied? Be curious. What is happening within you?

And, if you’re feeling like you’ve sufficiently explored what you’re feeling, try breathing out some of the discomfort you’ve identified. With every exhale, let some of that tension or pain or distress flow out with the air. Keep repeating until it’s gone, or at least until it’s tolerable. And then take a few more breathes for good measure!

The changes you experience during this process aren’t just mental ones – you’re also having a physiological experience. Focusing on your breathing typically reduces the tendency to hyperventilate or breathe shallowly, bringing more oxygen back to your body and brain. And identifying the source of our internal discomfort can help lessen the tension in that area, reducing whatever pain you might be feeling. Plus, at the same time, your heart rate is typically slowing and your blood pressure is going down, signaling to your brain a sense of safety and reducing the stress response. Science even tells us that there are long-term impacts we can enjoy from exercising mindfulness (like this, or in other forms) regularly, including reduced blood pressure, a healthier heart, and a boosted immune system.

So the next time you find yourself feeling anxious, upset, frustrated, or overwhelmed, try asking yourself “how am I feeling?” And then take the time to actually find out the answer!

-Caroline Reynolds